function getDeepThought() { var howMany=64 var thoughts=new Array(howMany+1) thoughts[0]="Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
--Gandhi" thoughts[1]="I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us
attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." thoughts[2]="Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here looking through your stuff." thoughts[3]="When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious
about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns." thoughts[4]="If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most?
I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone." thoughts[5]="Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life because we're not ready.
But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture." thoughts[6]="Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky
guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling." thoughts[7]="It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it.
It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money." thoughts[8]="When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven.
It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy." thoughts[9]="If I ever get really rich, I hope I'm not really mean to poor people, like I am now." thoughts[10]="Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?" thoughts[11]="I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy,
you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him." thoughts[12]="If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might,
if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." thoughts[13]="Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams
and tries to get it off, I have to laugh because what is that thing?!" thoughts[14]="Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is we both like to spread our 'stink'
around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes." thoughts[15]="Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be used for a great many things besides walking on snow.
For instance, it can be used to carry pancakes from the stove to the breakfast table. Also, it can be used
to carry uneaten pancakes from the table to the garbage. Finally, it can be used as a kind of strainer,
where you force pancakes through the strings to see if a piece of gold got in a pancake somehow." thoughts[16]="Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore,
because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?!" thoughts[17]="I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I?" thoughts[18]="When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together
one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, \"Hey, good job.\"" thoughts[19]="Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?
And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.
And also, you're drunk." thoughts[20]="If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and
begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward." thoughts[21]="Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most
dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see." thoughts[22]="Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you
fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces,
wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula,
but you just say, \"Think again, bat man.\"" thoughts[23]="One day one of my little newphews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that
went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't
know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me." thoughts[24]="If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and
there at the wheel is Captain Termite." thoughts[25]="He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and
married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said
\"Dust to dust,\" some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, \"I'll
be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun.\"" thoughts[26]="Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and
pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?" thoughts[27]="Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you
have chosen the nickname 'Fly Head'. Normally, you would think that 'Fly Head' would mean a person who
has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean
'having a head like a fly?' I'm afraid some people might actually think that." thoughts[28]="Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the
person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that
says \"You.\" After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done." thoughts[29]="The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." thoughts[30]="I can't stand cheap people. It makes me really mad when someone says something like, \"Hey, when are you going
to pay me that $100 you owe me?\" or \"Do you have that $50 you borrowed?\" Man, quit being so cheap!" thoughts[31]="What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a
feather, you say? That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did
I mention it was a poison feather?" thoughts[32]="Instead of a seeing eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk
around shooting all the time, people are going to get out of your way. Cars too!" thoughts[33]="I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on the roof with his Superman cape on. \"Get down!\" yelled
Uncle Lou. \"Don't move!\" screamed Grandma. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof
and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that." thoughts[34]="I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that
old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped
he'd yell out, \"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!\" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing
up to do." thoughts[35]="I'd like to see a guy tap-dancing so fast his legs actually broke, because it would finally establish a
'tap barrier', and we could move on from there." thoughts[36]="Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis." thoughts[37]="One way I think you can tell if you have a curse on you is if you open a box of toothpicks and
they all fly up and stick in your face." thoughts[38]="To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if
anybody says, \"Hey, can you give me a hand?\" you can say, \"Sorry, got these sacks.\"" thoughts[39]="If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your
friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting
the vulture." thoughts[40]="When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but
because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend he is." thoughts[41]="The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, \"What am I doing?!\"" thoughts[42]="If I could be any kind of dog, I think I'd be one of those little yappy dogs, because while you're sitting
there on the couch trying to sound real smart, I'm just sitting there, yapping away. Just yappin' and
yappin', and there's nothing you can do about it because I live here." thoughts[43]="If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to
yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that." thoughts[44]="Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think,
what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny." thoughts[45]="Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made
up of two separate words: 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why
so is mankind." thoughts[46]="I think there should be something in science called the 'reindeer effect'. I don't know what it would be, but I think
it'd be good to hear someone say, \"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect.\"" thoughts[47]="If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and
people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy." thoughts[48]="I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire.
No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out.
Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion
is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet." thoughts[49]="Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always
ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail." thoughts[50]="One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but
instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. \"Oh, no,\" I said, \"DisneyLand burned down.\" He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to
the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late." thoughts[51]="I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then
after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?" thoughts[52]="We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally,
to their faces, and this is what annoys me." thoughts[53]="To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." thoughts[54]="A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the
burning fuse up to the phone. \"Hear that?\", you say. \"That's dynamite, baby.\"" thoughts[55]="Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog
because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition." thoughts[56]="I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run
out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality." thoughts[57]="If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is \"God is crying.\" And if he
asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, \"Probably because of something you did.\"" thoughts[58]="Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke'. But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like." thoughts[59]="I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a
shot at him and not feel too bad." thoughts[60]="As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught
that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint." thoughts[61]="When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every
once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear." thoughts[62]="I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. \"You don't have to tell me,\"
I said. \"I'm off the team, aren't I?\" \"Well,\" said Coach, \"you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform
you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then
either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.\"
It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He
sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on." thoughts[63]="I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car." var index = -1 while (index < 0 || index >= howMany || isNaN(index)) { index = parseInt(Math.random() * (howMany+1)) } if (index != 0) { document.write('And now ... a Deep Thought, by Jack Handey:
'+thoughts[index]) } else { document.write(thoughts[index]) } }